Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

#growingpains

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

I made up a story for my daughter at bedtime about a friendly elephant. And how he was nice to everyone, even the hyenas who were mean to him. But then I got scared I was teaching her to not stand up for herself, so I ended the story with him killing all the hyenas.

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.