Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

Huge, if true.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

The first one, obviously

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’