Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache