Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
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Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you