Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
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Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Got a light
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
This was a bad idea all around
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
S O O N
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed