Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
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therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
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