Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
You Might Also Like
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
When he asks for feet pics
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
it takes so much energy
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.