Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

You got this…

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.