Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”