Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.