Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
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Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Somebody’s lying.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Stop being $50 to eat, food.