Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.