@AmishPornStar1

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

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@BlindVigil

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

@Leslie_Annie

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

@ReelQuinn

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

@Brampersandon_

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

@thebeckyard

I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.

@N_Doemostmuted

I put on Sade and she said ” who is that ? ” so me being the gentleman that I am I explained it to her while dropping her off at the bus stop

@DrakeGatsby

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

@Jez1

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.