BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
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*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Cheer up.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.