Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
You Might Also Like
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
The sacred texts.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*