Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
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If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?