Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it