Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream