Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI