Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Me My dog
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
