Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
