Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again