back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
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I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.