back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
You Might Also Like
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Always 🥴
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta