Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead