back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
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Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
😂🤣😂🤣
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.