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There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Easy enough.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.