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Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
How do you get into the School of Rock?
You rock enroll.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*