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It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie