Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
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I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
2023 was just a warmup
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
Frog purse.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any