Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
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The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher