Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
You Might Also Like
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Is this you?
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Wow 🤣
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.