Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

Not all heroes wear capes….

me before I type out affect or effect

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty