Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
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I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
My favorite type of men is ramen.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.