Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.