Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?