Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
😂 amazing answer
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.