Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
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The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”