Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
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When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.