Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
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By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos