Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?