Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”