Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
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Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
What an awful time to have common sense.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
