Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ