Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
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[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
what the hell girl, sure
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
☠️ ☠️
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye