Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
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coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner