Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
murder on the timeline
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist