Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
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You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
this is the news I live for
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit