back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?