back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
You Might Also Like
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants