back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
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Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
when someone rings the doorbell
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…