Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.