Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

I get disoriented driving more than a few feet with my car’s backup camera, so I get it, pilots who crash, I totally get it.

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.