Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
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*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Pretty much. 🤣
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.