Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,

“You cannot park there”

“It’s not my car”

“You have to move it”

“It’s not my car”

“Move it or get a fine”

“It’s not my car”

Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”

“It’s not my car”

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

181.

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy