Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

plant them where lol

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.