Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
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It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I hope they boil the right one.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
😏😏😏
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”