Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@EndhooS

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

@Mr_Kapowski

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, sir?

Me: I honestly do not. There were two guys in front of my car with brooms, vigorously scrubbing the road and I think that increased my speed

@fillthevacuum

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

@sarcasm_inc

*leans into microphone*
My question is for Salt-N-Pepa.
“Hi” “Hey”
Hi.”Push It” is about takin a dump, right?
“No” “Nope”
*hands friend $5*

@sliver_of

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

@jayenn21st

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

@MavenofHonor

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

@squirrel74wkgn

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

@heymonroe

14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.

@SarraBeth

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.