Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

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Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD


Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, sir?

Me: I honestly do not. There were two guys in front of my car with brooms, vigorously scrubbing the road and I think that increased my speed


If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.


*leans into microphone*
My question is for Salt-N-Pepa.
“Hi” “Hey”
Hi.”Push It” is about takin a dump, right?
“No” “Nope”
*hands friend $5*


“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.


This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.


*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?


14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.


“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.