back to work
You Might Also Like
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up