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I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.