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7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
What kind of a cult is this?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too