Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
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Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”