Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
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Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Good morning
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.