Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
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can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Close call…
why I oughta
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
When I said I liked it rough.
