Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

journal

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?