Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
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I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
A wise man once said nothing.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
shit just got real
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
How and why my FUR ROOM exists