Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

Before crowbars crows drank alone

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire