*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
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Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.