Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

Well, this is awkward

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

this chia pet tastes awful

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”