Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

me and my fake scenarios

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY