Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Good morning
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that