Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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The police never think its as funny as you do.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.