Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.