Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO