Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

How dude HOW?!

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.