Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
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[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.