*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
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Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Blocked: 1985
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?