Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

Attacked by a mop.

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

October already? What’s next? November????

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

Who did it better?

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.